identity

That Night My Name Felt Heavy And Honest

/ Wen / Leave a comment

There’s this quiet moment right before a tech enhancement launch.
If you’ve ever shipped something you built with your bare hands and stretched nerves, you know it.

That tiny breath.
That hush in the soul.
The “please let it work, please let it land” kind of silence.

I had one of those recently.
Months of planning, refining, re-testing, ripping things apart, and rebuilding with tired eyes and tired fingers. Finally, the button was pressed.

Enhancement features went live. Ship completed. The tech team did it.

For one heartbeat, I felt light.

This flashback happened on 22nd October 2025.

And then feedback began rolling in.
Not applause – questions, bugs, suggestions, sharp edges I hadn’t anticipated.
Suddenly, the air got thick.

Not because anyone was harsh.
But because I am harsh with myself.

The celebration never arrived.
A small ache appeared. the kind that presses right behind your sternum.

A quiet breakdown, not dramatic, just a soft collapsing inside.
A thought whispered, “I should’ve made it perfect, BUT… It’s not perfect.”
Even knowing perfection is a horizon we never reach, the voice came anyway.

Today, I stumbled upon a TikTok clip of Elon Musk being asked about the secret behind his success – and how he manages to pursue the impossible without losing his mind.

He didn’t talk about genius or strategy.
He said something painfully simple:

Most people do just enough to get by.
But imagine if everything you did carried your name on it.

And that line didn’t just hit, it got settled in me.

Because that’s me.
I don’t “get by.”
I don’t “try enough.”
If my name is on it, my soul is in it.
I build as if every feature, every word, every decision is a signature.
Not for my ego, but for my integrity.

When I care, I care to the bone.
I don’t coast. I don’t cut corners.
Whatever I don’t know, I try to learn.
Whatever isn’t working, I try to fix.
Whatever I build, I want it to stand.

So that night, when things weren’t perfect?
It wasn’t just a system glitch. It tugged at the core of who I am when I had a slightly bruised heart.

I can’t refine when we don’t release it.
We can’t improve something that never sees the daylight.
Feedback isn’t a mirror of inadequacy; it’s some proof of movement, proof of users, proof of life.

And maybe, just maybe, growth doesn’t always roar.
Sometimes it looks like sitting alone at a bar, feeling tired but satisfied with the attempt, quietly resetting your spine.

We live in a world that romanticizes “perfect execution.”
But some of the most beautiful work isn’t flawless. It is about the iterative, resilient, and honest.

My name is on my work.
And that means something to me.
Not perfection, it’s ownership.

So here’s to the enhancement launch that shook me a little.
To the feedback that humbled me.
To the glass of calm I held while breathing through disappointment and resolve.
To the version of me that showed up anyway.
And to the version that will show up again.

I don’t want to be someone who does “just enough.”
I’d rather get tired from giving my all than be comfortable from giving half.

And if sometimes that means a crack in the armor and a quiet tear on launch day?
So be it.

That’s the price of having your name on your work and your heart in it, too.

Do with courage and humility.
Feedback is not noise; it’s real gathered data, it’s empathy, it’s partnership.
Reframe it to improve every version of me,
not because I chase perfection,
But because I honour the process.

What’s wrong with me?

/ Wen / Leave a comment

I found myself fallen out of a trance since a few months ago. I go through everyday feeling as if I’m not orchestrating my own actions directly. All I do is go to my work at 8am and then come home to sleep at 11pm. And that pattern replays itself all throughout my life. Nothing bad really happens to me but there’s not really much to enjoy either. Is it because we all couldn’t travel due to covid that make me feel this way? I really don’t have an answer. The only thing I knew for sure is I go through every week doing the same things just so I can earn more and sustainable while my soul slowly died.

I feel sometimes that I am like a robot 🤖 in some parts of my lives. I try to be “productive machines” all the time and not give myself time to rest or feel. In a capitalist society where our value is determined by how much we can produce and our outputs, it’s difficult to not want to be a robot. It’s difficult to not want to be someone who can study or work all day and still have energy later to keep that production going.

At this point deep down I know I’m not working at the right path through life but I have no idea how to stop myself from becoming some type of mindless drone. I think staying in the nest means life feeling safe and we are protected.

Can someone reset this autopilot me?

Just Like Everybody Else

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Just Like Everybody Else

Every single time fear can make us afraid of what others will think. It’s not that people might judge you; they will judge you. The more we worry about missing out on things, the more of our actual life is consumed by worrying about what we’re missing. Constantly checking in on everything takes us out of the present and put us into observing someone else who is only partially being present.

Whenever, I have nothing to do I will daydream. People will say me weird. Being weird is really just being my honest, unique self. The more I try to fit in or blend in, the less authentic I tend to be.

We’ve been taught in school or in corporate jobs that being unique isn’t good. Always be professional. Don’t stand out too much. So, we will try to mask our weirdness by wearing suits or grey skirts and use the latest marketing jargons.

To me, I care less. I feel like I’m on my path when I’m doing work that matters – what matters to me might not be important to someone else. When I’m doing something valuable and I feel good about it, I can be fairly certain that I do my best. So why fear how people think of you? That’s okay. Because we’ve all got bills to pay and life to manage.

On the whole, stick to your values, follow your true instincts and fulfilment are all the work that matters.

Knowing Who Are You

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The “Who Are You” question is one that you will be presented when we are relating to living our life. The lack of identity will lead to an aimless, unfulfilled and confused life.

People who suffer with identity issues are much easier to manipulate and be swayed from their proper lane in life. Many of us find ourselves in places or situations where we put on masks in order to fit in. We wear these disguises for so long that we lose ourselves in the process. We end up doing things and going down paths that we never intended because we feel as though we have to be something we’re not. The reason for this is not necessarily that people feel they aren’t goof enough, but that they don’t know who they are in the first place.

We usually adapt our behaviour to the demands of the social situation, and in ambiguous situations where we take our cues from the behaviour of others in that setting. We assumes that the external environment, or the behavioural context, can have both subtle and forceful effects on people’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. As a result, we conform to adopt the behaviour and opinions presented by other members even though individuals were judging matters of fact, not merely personal opinions, many caved in to conformity pressures.

According to the social psychologists, people conform merely for two reasons: first, they want to be accepted, approved, liked and not rejected by others; second, wanting to be correct and to understand the correct way to act in any given situation.

As stated earlier, the single largest battle in the war of living an satisfied life is that of identity. The decisions we make daily, even the small ones, have their roots tied directly to who we think we are. There are things that some people will absolutely refuse to do because it doesn’t up with their internal perception.

There was some point in my life where I really did not know who I was, why I am here. I’m still learning who I am in many respects, but now I have a much better handler on what my identity is.

According to Erikson’s lifespan theory, it stated that across our lifespan, we go through various stages which we meet ever changing psychosocial challenges. The completion of the work at each stage which Erikson termed as “crisis” prepares us to move on to the following stage. Erikson’s eight stages of psychosocial development behaviours that may be associated with healthy and unhealthy expressions of the self’s development and ego boundary growth of an individual at a particular stage of life.

Currently, I am in the Young Adulthood – the range of 20-40 years. It is the stage of Intimacy vs. Isolation. Young adult struggles to form close relationships and to gain capacity for intimate love.

Some people might have the expressions of Intimacy where an individual would like to maintain friendship, physical and emotional intimacy, participation in games, groups, being open, willing to interact, and able to make and keep commitments. Whilst, some people might have the expressions of Isolation and Self-Absorption such as sabotage relationship, withdraws, avoidance, defensive, self defeating behaviour, maintaining isolation, and questions job performance.

I would say this young adulthood phase is a very long process. Though you may not be able to articulate the answer easily, there should be something in your inner core that evokes peace if and when that question is posed.

At the end of the day, we must fight to discover, develop and maintain our core identity. Though we want to be authentically you, don’t get a “this is just the way I am” type of attitude. We want to become the greatest version of ourselves that we are meant to be.

A lot of who we are has to do with the talents, gifts, and passions. People are prone to give their life to what they are passionate about. The skills we develop and the talents we nature-nurture possess a great indicators that show where our greatest places of impact may be.

Excellence is an art won by training and habituation. We do not act rightly because we have virtue or excellence, but we rather have those because we have acted rightly. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit – Aristotle

Getting Comfortable In My Own Skin

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At the end of the day, the best gift one can give to the world is to just be yourself because we are awesome in our own way. Get comfortable in your own skin and be you. It is disheartening to see that many of the people who I came across place a low value on themselves. No matter what they do, they feel as though they are not good enough. You’re not alone, I am one of them too!

I find that many of these individuals are people-pleasers. People-pleaser is one of the nicest and most helpful people you know.  According to Susan Newman, Ph.D, a New Jersey-based social psychologist and the author of The Book of No: 250 Ways to Say It—And Mean It and Stop People-Pleasing Forever, people-pleasers “want everyone around them to be happy and they will do whatever is asked of them to” keep it that way and they never say “no.” In the long run, it always ended being hurt because we cannot please everyone.

There comes a point where I have to realize that I am who I am and it is a great addition to the world. There will never be another soul exactly like me on this earth and there is a reason why I exist. I stopped putting on a mask and started being transparent about who I was with others and myself. I began to realize that others felt like it was “okay” to truly be ourselves. In this way, authentic relationship was able to formed as people no longer felt the need to mask up who we really are.

Being comfortable with who you are is a healthy understanding by acknowledging both positive and negatives qualities. It takes courage to cross the fear threshold of becoming comfortable in your own skin. Once you get over and embrace who you are and wired into that means of the environment, you will begin to operate in your true design when the right people find you.